You’re sitting at work in your cubicle and you feel a kick in your stomach. Are you pregnant? Are you that bad guy in that weird Arnold Schwarzenegger movie? No… you have to take a shit.

A couple years ago this would have been disastrous for me. No matter what time of day, I would have ‘held’ it and waited until I got home. I hated taken shits at work, awkward, embarrassing, and just uncomfortable. This would ruin the rest of my day, my appetite and my pants. I needed to solve this problem, work was already miserable as it was I didn’t need to make it worse. Then it hit me…with the right ingredients taking a shit at work can become from the most awful thing, to purely the MOST pleasurable things in ones life. And so I share with you the ingredients for taking a successfully fun shit at work.

Timing

Timing is everything in life and this applies to taking a shit as well. Common sense would tell you well just take a shit when you have to go. As usual common sense is WRONG. Number one rule of timing your shit: don’t go to the bathroom on peak hours. You don’t want people to see you go in the stall. First of all its embarrassing; and second of all that person knows now exactly what time you went into the stall. Instead of a nice relaxing experience you know now that someone out there is timing you. And you know that persons timing you because the first thing they are going to say to you when you sit down in your cubicle: “damn man you were in there for an hour.”

You might be wondering what are peak hours and off peak hours. This might vary office to office, however from what I’ve noticed early in the morning because people forget to take morning dumps at home and right after lunch seem to be the high rush hours. Consequently, around 10:30am-noon and 3-5pm are the off peak hours.

Finally whatever you do, do not wait around for a stall in the bathroom this just creates the most stressful situation for yourself and whoever is enjoying a nice shit in the stall.

Location

Location! Location! Location! Location is a key ingredient to taking a pleasurable shit. I know what your saying, you take a shit in the bathroom where else? However, there is SO much more. 

First, if there are multiple bathrooms in the building. Pick the BEST bathroom. Every office building has frequently used bathrooms and the bathrooms where ghosts come to take shits. Go to ghost town; go to the place where no one will bother you. You can sit in the peace and quiet you deserve.

Second, pick the best stall. This is the most important part about location. If available always go for the farthest stall from the bathroom door. One of the worst things that occur while your taking a shit is someone knocking on your stall door…Annoying right? This will occur less frequently if you are farther from the door. Furthermore if you want the best shitting experiences ever, two words my friend…Handicap….Stall. Some of those stalls are bigger then my room. You have a metal bar in there for an arm rest, or leverage, the toilet is high so you feel like a king/queen, and plenty of leg room. Hell you could hang your clothes up and take a shit naked…aint no thang! 

Equipment

Now we get to the most important ingredient: the correct equipment. Taking a shit isn’t complete with out entertainment in the stall. I know what your asking, what entertainment I am there to take a shit. Remember your taking a shit at WORK. This is the perfect opportunity to take a break without actually taking one.

Now there are many forms of entertainment you could take in there, a book a newspaper, a sudoku. These are all perfectly acceptable. However, none these compete with: a smart phone, headphones, and a netflix subscription. You dream of watching tv at work right? Well fun fact: a sitcom on netflix runs oh I don’t know 20 minutes. BAM! I just blew your mind.

Aftermath

There is none! That’s the best thing!! You stank up the place? Don’t matter its not your bathroom. You clogged the toilet? Who cares you don’t have to fix it? You’re ready to walk into your cube, lighter, happier, more relaxed, probably a bit hungry, but most importantly about 20 minutes closer to 5!

This is definitely billable it wasn’t part of my break remember ….(and I just got paid for taking a shit!)